Am I Crazy??

Sometimes I tell myself that I am crazy for doing this AGAIN! Doing what again? Well, let me explain. Way back in 1990, I made a decision that would change the rest of my life. I was 18 years old when I found out I was pregnant. Boy oh boy was THAT the scariest thing for me! Forget about knowing I was pregnant, I was MORE afraid of telling my mother. I was a young girl, a wee bit on the wild side, and still trying to figure out who I was. Does anyone KNOW who they are at 18?

All I knew at that VERY moment I took a pregnancy test, was that NO MATTER WHAT the outcome, I am KEEPING this baby. I won't get into details and to be quite honest, It's been 20 years, so I really don't remember every second of THAT part of my life.  I didn't care that I was pregnant at all, meaning the belly, the weight gain, etc. I was in my glory, and to be honest, I think that me getting pregnant at that exact time in my life was a BLESSING from God.  By the time I was 7 months pregnant I only gained about 16 pounds- All I could eat was watermelon, berries and any other fruit that was in my face. I was nauseous the whole time. I remember thinking that I was happy I was carrying my baby all summer, because my feet were so bloated, I couldn't wear sneakers! Looking back, I was calm, happy and just excited to have something- someone I could LOVE- REALLY LOVE.

By the time Heather Lynne was born, I was about to turn 19. I don't remember being scared of being a mom, and I don't remember EVER looking back and wishing I did something different. I would just look at her, smell her, play with her, love her and just BE. I do think back to when I was in the hospital with her and my mom was there with us (Lucky me), she stayed with me for a week THANK GOD! In the hospital, I was holding Heather when she started to cry, I couldn't understand why she was crying. I was holding her as she was wrapped all tight in her little blanket- What did I do wrong? I started to cry! Every time she cried I would cry because I felt like I didn't know what to do.... My mom would say " Teen, did you change her? Did you feed her?" OH! That's what you do with a new born! Now I get it!

So, I have  Heather Lynne who is 20 and  is SOOO beautiful, and Tyler is my handsome 18 year old dude! I divorced Heather and Tyler's father about 16 years ago. At the end of my marriage, I KNEW in my heart I wasn't with the right person. We were two babies who had babies together- that's it. Although we both did try, I had my visions of what my future would look like and he had his own views. I decided to get a Tubaligation after Tyler was born,because I was so fertile that While on birth control, I conceived Tyler, and after Tyler was born, I had the IUD inserted in my cervix and I ended up pregnant only to misscarriage. I couldn't handle it anymore. I was accused of being selfish, but my view was that I was so young, with two babies and marriage that should have never been.

Was I thinking THEN that some day I would get remarried and want to have more children? Nope, not for a split second. In my mind, I was done for GOOD having babies. I have a boy & a Girl, what more could I want?

Fast forward to 2003- When I saw a guy from high school one day. I said hello, he said hello, and I never thought anything of him. We went to high school together, so I knew of him, and he would occasionally come into one of the gyms I worked at, but never a second thought of him. I switched gyms and one day came into work to hear a voice call message form HIM. I scratched my head in confussion wondering why on earth he would be calling ME. We went on a date after 2 weeks of chatting it up on the phone, and POOF!!!!! 9 years later, we are married, so in love and READY to HAVE A BABY!!!!!


So now I ask YOU- AM I CRAZY to want to start over? Well, regardless of what YOU or anyone THINKS, I am so ready to give my husband a baby, and sacrifice my life yet once again. I think since we first started dating, I wanted another baby- FOR NOT only Mario but for ME.

Mario & I can't do things like normal people would- Ya know, roll around in the sheets, get crazy, and BAM, I am pregnant- NOPE, It's a process for us- It's BEEN a process for us!

Let me back track to 2010. I went for an OBGYN check up and talked to my Doc about getting pregnant. He suggested I go to Columbia University Of Obstetrics and Gynecology and talk to Melvin Thornton. Well, I did JUST that! I made the appointment to go meet with him and get things going. Upon meeting with Dr. Thornton, we discussed my age (38 at the time), My tubes being tied and IVF. He told me to forget the Reversal tubaligation, because it may or may not work. IVF has a higher chance for pregnancy. I became so excited by the end of our conversation, I couldn't wait to tell Mario! Long story short, I did ALL THE TESTS required, went to all my appointments and the only thing left to do before we start the process was for Mario to get the semen annalysis done.

Let's just say that NEVER happened, and so many other things distracted us from Mario doing this test, that here we are in 2012 now, where I had to REVISIT Dr. Thornton, and go through all the tests again.... (SUDDEN STOP!) That is until Mario & I stumbled upon Chapel Hill Reversal Center in North Carolina. We researched the site, read the testimonials, and even spoke with some of the nurses. This to US seemed like such a better idea, by FAR! I would only be covered for one cycle of IVF and in MOST cases in 40 year old women, It doesn't happen right away. Well while we have a GREAT business, we aren't WEALTHY. A cycle of IVF could run you $15,000! We don't have that to just "CHANCE IT" and we don't have time!

 I am 40 years old and YES, MY TIME BOMB IS TICKING AWAY!!! We decided just a few days ago to book our flights to NC, and get the tubal reversal, so we can try naturally.  There I said it! It's out there! AHHH, I feel so much better!!!! Just today, I filled out the papers, going to fax them tomorrow and I will be all scheduled for April 9th to get my surgery!

What's really amazing is how God works! I have such a great feeling about this process Mario & I chose together! I get baptized on Saturday April 7th, which is the  Easter Vigil, Easter Sunday I am considered a Catholic, a Whole new person! Monday I get my surgery and hopefully soon thereafter, I will be carrying Mario's baby! This will all be God's will. I am praying he blesses us with a healthy baby very soon!

Keep reading my blog for updates! It's so exciting for us!.
XO Tina.